Gulp. Greenie Gonna Get Composted?

When the topic of death comes up, a quiet hush generally swirls throughout the room as the person in the hot seat begins to fidget absent-mindedly and perspire in all the wrong places. It's a conversation that very few of us are terribly excited to engage in, except perhaps 3,400 year old vampires who are sick and tired of creeping around in the shadows and sucking on rat necks during inevitable dry spells. "But we've really got to talk about this!" the diabolical yet tenderhearted initiator urges, a perfectly glossy tear welling up in the left corner of their eye. As they semi-hyperventillate and attempt to stifle what could potentially end up being a tsunami of eyeball and nasal fluid (were the right conditions to exist), they cleverly and strategically add, "I just want to make sure that I honor your wishes." Ohhhh, they're good. They just had to add the "honor" part. Fine. Gotta deal with it sometime...now is as good a time as any.

But it's not such an easy thing to respond to. As you wrestle with the pros and cons of natural burial over cremation...etc. etc. etc... mouth immobilized by pure indecision, your unintended yet horribly deafening silence drags on, prompting your companion to look at you with urgency and impatience. Recognizing that 25 minutes is entirely too long to respond to their initial question, you react out of desperation (and perhaps merely just to get them off of your back) with the response, "Just gimme a green burial." They're clearly unimpressed. "That's it?" they mumble with a cocked brow and a huff. What might have been palpable frustration now registers as sheer annoyance as they add, "Um...how 'bout a little clarification, m-kaaaaaay?" Contemplating one's final curtain call is about as bad as being forced at gun point to clean all of the toilets in U.S. maximum security prisons with nothing but diluted vinegar and a rodent-gnawed toothbrush.

Cremation is still one of the more eco-friendly, no-fuss-no-muss ways to bid the world adieu, but the smoke and mercury emissions certainly don't help the greenhouse effect percolating in the upper atmosphere. Other alternatives, such as natural, casket-free burials (complete with tree grave markers) as well as seed pods and woven banana leaf caskets have people taking pause, but it's a matter of personal choice, finances and environmental resolve. One option that hasn't received a great deal of press but is certainly intriguing is promession, in which a human corpse is frozen to -18C, submerged in liquid nitrogen and then vibrated in its brittle state until it becomes an organic, odourless, hygienic powder dust. Once all harmful elements such as mercury are drawn out, the inert powder is then finally buried in the upper mulch-forming layers of the ground as compost, ultimately turning into mulch in just 6 months. Susanne Wiigh-Mäsak, head of operations at Promessa Organic AB, created the unsung body disposal process which could theoretically relieve cemetery congestion and significantly cut cremation emissions since the cryogenic technology is devoid of greenhouse gases. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...does this body disposal method tickle you green or make you green around the gills?