There are many things that I will do to save our planet. Conserve resources and recycle my brains out -- check. Carry around 25 different types reusable bags for every conceivable purpose or occasion -- check. Be a more mindful consumer and steer clear of all things plastic -- check. Use 100% recycled toilet paper instead of the stuff that cute little puppies and cartoon bears prefer -- count me in. You can go ahead and call me a greenie-crunchy-Al Gore-captain planet-granola-munching-fool -- those labels won't throw me off course because I'm on a mission to make the world a better place. Even if I didn't lean this far to the green, I believe that I'd still care enough to make a few fundamental lifestyle changes to honor Mother Nature. I don't think that it's too tough to cut back here and there, knowing that in some small way our environment is benefitting.

Of course I love trees -- they're the reason why we have shade, oxygen, and an environment that's easy on the eyes, so it probably comes as no surprise that I'm eager to keep them deeply rooted in the ground where they rightfully belong. It's hard to believe that 423,900 of them are converted into one roll of fluffy bleached toilet paper for every American household...come on, now...how is it possible that we hit the porcelain throne that much?! I'm not going to launch into a discussion about the virtues of using recycled toilet paper, though. My thought is that it'll be a far easier sell when I offer a little handy-dandy history on the greener global alternatives that have existed throughout the ages. You think WE'VE got it tough vascillating between Charmin Plush and Quilted Northern's double roll? Crikey. If our greatest sacrifice is merely demoting our bottoms to the 100% recycled TP experience, the bottom line is that we've got it ridiculously easy.

So, where does our story begin? By design, the human body has been purging itself of waste materials since we came into existence but it's highly unlikely that early man was as obsessed with general hygiene as we are today. The resources available to them in their natural environment -- such as leaves, stones, dry bones, and twigs -- were perfectly suitable and served them quite well. Blotting oneself with pebbles or other landscape materials was as commonplace as spearing a wooly mammoth with a sharpened stick.  As people came up through the ages and no longer had to fight for their very survival, they began to focus on more frivolous distractions such as fashion, personal adornment and grooming. The notion of classes and society came into being, and those of a civilized nature began perceiving the post-bathroom tools of the trade as base and distasteful. One might say that a toilet cleansing renaissance emerged that was as diverse as one's culture, geographic region and available natural resources.

Ancient Asians were way ahead of the learning curve with the development of the first toilet paper, whether in Korea (circa 589 AD) or in China (circa 851 A.D). That was not the norm in the rest of the world, however. Medieval Europeans used such materials as a scraper or gompf stick, hay balls, grass, straw and those in a position of royalty or weath later benefitted from occasionally heated fountains or strips of silk/goosefeathers mounted to a pliable neck. British Lords were even known to use torn book pages, a practice that gained wide popularity in early US times as catalogs and newspapers were produced with increasing frequency. In comparison, the French were exceedingly civilized with their hemp and lace post-toilet wipes and later, the invention of the bidet. If you lived in Ancient Rome, it was common to use a salt water soaked sponge attached to a wooden stick and if you were higher in class and wealth, then you would augment with rosewater soaked wool. Discarded sheep fur was similarly favored during Viking Times and in Great Britain.

If you're ever tempted to bellyache about what a sacrifice it is to your delicate derrier to use 100% recycled toilet paper instead of its virgin tree killing cousin, consider this. If you were an early Eskimo, you would have used tundra moss or ice cold snow. If you were a member of a Spanish or Portugese sailing crew, you would have made the frayed end of an old anchor cable work in your favor. You think I'm kidding? Nah-ah. How about coconut shells in early Hawaii culture, or handfuls of sand, mussel shells or reusable corncobs hanging from a string in mainland USA out houses? We are in the latter stages of 2009 and it is only within the last several years that we have finally pegged our beloved cushy bleached bathroom tissue as one of the greatest environmental offenders in our arsenal. I've got to admit that it's hard to imagine even the greenest greenie would be cool with returning to sticks, stones, and leaves. The reusable cloth Wallypop Family Wipes that have received so much media coverage lately (or just using a pile of your own homemade toilet "rags")...well, even those are a pretty tough sell. Strattling your bathroom sink could also be a cheap bidet alternative followed by patting dry with a specially earmarked towel. All things considered, biting the bullet and going 100% TP all the way sounds like a cushy, eco-fantastic dream.