Could Highly Processed Diets Pre-Embalm Our Bodies Before They Even Hit The Ground?

I recall reading just a year or so ago that human bodies take a lot longer to decompose today than they used to a few decades ago and thinking "ewwww" but shrugging my shoulders while eating my 37^th-in-a-row Pringle potato chip. Scientists chalk this phenomenon up to the entirely unholy diet that we typically subsist on and the fact that the steady flow of chemicals assaulting our systems in effect renders our flesh partially mummified each day that we are still breathing. Thirty and even forty years ago, food companies weren't permeating our eats with the type of mad scientist compounds that exist today...plus there was no such thing as high fructose corn syrup, bisphenol A, irradiation or genetically modified organisms, all of which do questionable things to our innards. Unfortunate diseases were still showing up back in the day...it's just that they were more mainstream issues such as plain old cancer and heart attacks as opposed to freakish where the hell did this come from Alzheimer's, diabetes and the like.

Is it such a bad thing that our bodies purportedly take a lot longer these days to turn back into dust? If it's actually true, it doesn't seem so bad considering the fact that people willingly submit to the embalming process anyway (prior to being tucked into the ground). One could argue that pre-mummifying our bodies with food chemicals while we're alive only makes it easier for the undertaker once it's time to take our final bow, plus it seems slightly more eco-friendly compared to hard-core embalming potions. Of course, even though I imagined how my 6 feet under, stiff-as-a-rail body might fare in a perpetual state of partial decay -- never quite getting where it needed to be in order to benefit Mother Nature and her handy-dandy micro-organisms - the initial gross factor subsided in record time. For a fleeting moment, I actually wondered if it was possible that my chemically-permeated flesh might offend maggots...but the amazing thing about being a human being is that we don't typically dwell on "what if?" scenarios very long, especially when they revolve around our mortality.

Funny thing about being a greenie. I LOVE eating healthy, organic foods and will move mountains to make as many eco-responsible choices as possible, but at the end of the day, how do I reward myself? By shoveling junk into my body. A nibble of this, a handful of that...I tell myself that I've worked hard all week and I deserve a treat (which leads to many) and I quickly lose my sanity. I'm well-aware of all the countless "healthy" junk food choices up and down the aisles of Whole Foods and other natural grocery purveyors, but can they even hold a candle to Crunchy Cheetos or Hostess Twinkies? I think not. What a sad, sad predicament. When faced with what should be absolutely jolting news about the potential consequences of a highly processed modern junk food diet on my post-death flesh, why am following a business as usual approach? If I'm going to die (which is inevitable), of course I'd like my body to give something positive back to the Earth. Can I wean myself off of the nighttime junk treats and commit to a purer body plan of action? In theory, yes! So many benefits could come from it - better health, fitness, longevity and disease protection for starters - but the allure of the taste-enhancing chemicals that I have grown to love is impossibly strong and confoundingly seductive. I admit that I am a weak, weak mortal who is incapable of resisting the distinctively chemically scent of Little Debbie Nutty Bars.

Hold on...snap yourself out of it. Didn't anyone ever teach you that your body is your temple? You can indulge in edible rewards that are a lot better for you, your body and the planet and still feel like you're stoking your processed food flames. Those maggots are going to happily munch on you come hell or high water! Peanut butter on apple slices is a perfectly delicious substitute for candy bars and if you purge your diet of all refined sugars, broccoli will magically begin to taste sweet on the tongue. Gnawing on fallen tree branches will also help in a pinch. SILENCE!! Don't worry...WE'RE back in control. Here's a frosted Pop-Tart for all your trouble and confusion. Go ahead, you know you love it....that's right, eat up. It's gonna be just fine. The maggots will relish your insipidly chemically-tainted flesh, I promise. This is just one of those crazy urban myths that inexplicably spread on the internet (via organic food companies, no doubt) and the fact of the matter is that you're going to be dead sooner or later, so why deprive yourself of what you're craving now? By the way, has anyone told you lately how well-preserved you look for a woman of your age?