Make Divine Drunken Pasta Using One Recycled Bottle (Or Box) Of Crummy Red Wine

Awwww….it was sooo nice of cousin Ernie to gift you with that 3 liter screw top jug of Carlo Rossi Cabernet Sauvignon, but now that the haze of your surprise birthday party has worn off, your taste buds have finally regenerated (following a blur of appletinis and flaming Sambucca shots) and you’ve regained your formerly discriminating booze palate, what can you possibly do with that vile, grape-flavored moonshine cluttering your counter space? Resourceful greenies might be tempted to dye a t-shirt with it, lure their garden slugs into a sweet watery grave, or see if the Jesus juice will impart a glossy tint and shine to their mousy-brown locks, but there’s a better way to use it…a way that will surprise and amaze you and all of your snobby gourmet-eatin’ buddies. No, you don’t have to be Emeril or Mario Batali to pull this off, either. Just get thee to a kitchen, roll up your sleeves and brace yourself for the mother of all boozeville delights.

Believe it or not, a recent Gourmet magazine recipe inspired this adventure in kitchen(sink) recycling -- you’ll need just a few simple ingredients to pull it all together. You can stick with the vegetarian version (below) for the ultimate in goody green shoes carbon neutral cooking or dare to bastardize it with animal flesh – please just try to make it organically-raised. Okay…onto the basic staples that you’ll need. A box of pasta – check.  A bunch ‘o broccoli – check. A bottle ‘o vile red wine – check. Several cloves of garlic – check. Grated parmesan – check. Assorted basic spices – check. Oh…and a large pot with rapidly boiling water -- check.  (Of course you can change things up...want to use asparagus instead? Good idea! I used broccoli rabe, and it came out scrumpdillicious.)  Personally, I think that white beans and escarole would also be delish...just go with the flow and try to incorporate whatever you already have on hand.

Once you’ve washed and cut the broccoli into bite-sized florets, drop it in the boiling pot of water and blanch it. Remove the green morsels of goodness with a slotted spoon (once they’re al dente) and use the same boiling water to cook your pasta.  Ohhhh, what a shrewd greenie thing to do – recycle broc-flavored-H20? That’s what granny used to do and she lived to be 108!! Oh…now here’s the surprising part. Drain the pasta after cooking it just HALFWAY (4-5 minutes) and then put it back in your pot along with whatever junky wine you want to recycle. Watch over the mixture for the next several minutes and stir it regularly with tongs until the pasta is cooked and the wine has fully absorbed. In a separate pan, heat 1/3 cup of olive oil and sauté your sliced garlic until it is golden brown in color. Toss in a little salt and pepper, a whole lotta red pepper flakes or any other spices that make your mouth happy and then pour everything into the drunken pasta. Add the reserved broccoli and grated parmesan, combine thoroughly and enjoy the glow of your green halo as you chow down! Mangia, you greenie wino, you!