After rising at a respectably late hour on Saturday morning, you know what I look forward to the most? Nooooo, not a long, hot shower. Forget about petting my puddy-tat, either. Sure, bacon and eggs would be nice, but even I intentionally pass on a lazy breakfast at home in favor of unhitching my jaw at my local Whole Foods, and I'm not talking about in the food court, either. I'm talking about winding up and down the aisles on the lookout for free samples, yes-sir-eee. If you haven't tried dining al fresco in this...ahem...frugal manner, you really should. At least once. Not only is it like sliding into a wedding buffet full of edible and interesting surprises, each one more scrumpdillyicious than the next...the best part is that it's all freeeeee!! Oh, before the naysayers jump in and remind me that we're alllllllll paying for any free samples we score at Whole Foods via the sticker price of everything on the shelves, allow me to have my happy time waxing poetic on the simple pleasures of scarfing down organic junk food.

Ever since their CEO John Mackey acknowledged that they "sell a bunch of junk," I must say that I couldn't agree with him more. It's delicious organic junk, mind you, but let's be serious -- it's the kind of stuff that emo-teens and bespectacled ladies with out-of-control feral cat colonies like to nosh on while weaving reusable totebags out of narrow strips of holy socks. (Oh, you can definitely add me to the "fans list"...just ixnay the cats, eyeliner and socks.) A great deal of the food they carry -- at least the stuff available in the snack and prepared foods aisles -- masquerades as wholesome because we presume that if Whole Foods carries it, it's gotta be somewhat nutritious. A chemical and high fructose corn syrup-free cookie, however, is still a cookie. Now, to be fair, I should explain that I have a great deal of personal experience analyzing their snacks. While indulging in their free-for-all troughs of goodies such as chips, crackers, sandwich cookies, bulk gummies, and assorted bakery treats, I attempt to de-emphasize my gorging (or distract the haters, as I like to say) by carefully examining packs of healthy cookies and chips while emitting a long, audible "Hmmmmmmm." This simple strategy throws cockeyed bystanders off the scent while conveniently enabling me to become a master of my organic junk food domain.

Yes, the ingredients lists may be shorter and HFCS and trans-fats may be absent, but whether I'm scrutinizing their gargantuan chewy brownie blondie smores bars or their crispy cheezy crunchy puffs, there are a few snack food commonalities. Sugar, salt, oil, butter...you know, the tricks of the trade. Not that I'm complaining...I'm a believer. It's hard to get around the fact, however, that Whole Foods happily dispenses copious amounts of freebie edibles with these crucial components, perhaps in an effort to whet shoppers' appetites enough that they'll take the bait and plunk down the cash. Seriously, they never offer anything to sample other than junk. Empty calorie items are where my beloved mecca of organics makes the majority of its ka-ching, just as so many other retailers. In recession crunched times, people may cut back on the amount of meat that they toss into their carts or they may decide to purchase conventional produce rather than organic, but they always seem to find the spare cash to spring for junk. Whole Foods' CEO even said to the Wall Street Journal recently: "Basically, we used to think it was enough just to sell healthy food, but we know it's not."

Hawking tasty organic junk food has perhaps helped them to brave the recession and win legions of snack-happy fans, but they recognize that it's a betrayal to their very name. They are currently attempting to re-strategize their lineup of foods in an effort to return to their roots and once again pimp out the good stuff...and by that, I mean legitimate "whole foods" that don't come individually packaged in shiny mylar wrappers. In addition to getting their employees back on the health bandwagon, they plan to offer shoppers resources that aid smarter purchasing choices and clear their shelves of non-nutritive junk. In a noble attempt to assist them with their all-encompassing inventory purge, I'll be there at the same bat time on the same bat channel with my mouth wide open. It's the very least that a Whole Foods junk food junkie can do.