As Close to Vegan as I Will Ever Get...I Think

The Product Test - Ion Anti Frizz Solutions Straightener:

*No vegans were (intentionally) harmed in the making of this post.

Since our eco-friendly dwelling has not yet yielded any profit, my Industrious Beloved is still doing his darndest to recover his business, and I apparently now need a Ph.D. in order to make anything above slave wages in an office nowadays, we've been cutting corners. More like slabs, actually.

And they say our generation never felt the sting of sacrifice...

Fortunately, wherever I continue to fail epically when it comes to money, my Frugal Beloved continually succeeds. Unfortunately, when it comes to Black Hair Care, my Pasty Beloved is continually learning. So when he brought home a cheaper brand of straightening serum unknown to me, instead of the usual brand that I had trusted for years, I just smiled and nodded through the palpitations.

CHANGE?! FML.

Fortunately again, much like certain fictional doctors, my Well-Meaning Beloved is a good man, and thorough. So much so that he showed up with the Ion Anti-Frizz Solutions Straightener at $6.49 for an 8 fl Oz. bottle, a much better deal *ion the surface than my usual 1.69 fl Oz. bottle of John Frieda's Extra-Strength Hair Serum which costs a whopping $9.99. And what's more? Ion's brand is vegan.

*This typo, much like the film from which this photo was taken, is unintentionally hilarious and will therefore remain as is.

Unfortunately again, the term "vegan" still sketches me out, much like the term "organic", or the even the more archaic term "sketchy". Unlike "sketchy", however, the terms "organic" and "vegan" are rapidly becoming meanigless mainstay marketing labels. Produce with an "organic" label serves to make the targeted consumers feel healthier about themselves and the environment, which in turn causes mental justification for the higher price of the produce; such price hikes, however, are often caused by the fact that produce that hasn't been treated with pesticides will be mostly devoured by bugs instead of people (hence the invention of pesticides), and so what remains will end up costing the consumer more.

Factor in the environmental impact and costs involved in transporting said produce nationally, or even globally, and suddenly your "organic" salad hasn't really positively impacted your carbon footprint (or wallet) as much as you'd hoped. If you really want to go "organic", go local; or you can just continue to shrug off the sounds of menacing laughter that you swore you heard the last time you left Whole Foods.

He wants to play a game.

My paranoia regarding the "organic" label also bleeds onto the "vegan" label, because confirming if a product is even "vegan" at all is becoming just as, well...sketchy. According to my Nerdy Beloved, Ion claims the "vegan" label because it wasn't tested on animals. But then, who was it tested on? What was it tested on? Was it even tested on anything at all? Will my scalp come off as if it had stumbled onto a horrible lesson in morality??

Today's Lesson: It's seriously too easy to find these photos...!

I gave it a go, and I can confirm that my hair is straight and smooth and still attached to my head. A wee bit dry, but I have other (likely overpriced) products to remedy that issue. But although my wallet remains a little heavier, I can't say that I feel any better about my overall impact on nature. I can't know for certain if there are unwanted poodles out there that have unwillingly felt the smooth effects of this product, nor can I tell right away if the ingredients themselves aren't derived from animals, because...well, look at the list:

WATER ,VP/VA COPOLYMER ,PEG-60 HYDROGENATED CASTOR OIL ,DIMETHICONOL MEADOWFOAMATE ,PANTHENOL ,PHENYL TRIMETHICONE ,POLYQUATERNIUM-37 ,PROPYLENE GLYCOL DICAPRYLATE/DICAPRATE ,LAURYL METHYL GLUCETH-10 HYDROXYPROPYLDI ,FRAGRANCE ,PEG/PPG-20/20 DIMETHICONE ,PEG/PPG-14/4 DIMETHICONE ,POLYQUATERNIUM-11 ,HYDROXYETHYLCELLULOSE ,PPG-1 TRIDECETH-6 ,DMDM HYDANTOIN ,IODOPROPYNYL BUTYLCARBAMATE ,CITRIC ACID ,BENZYL ALCOHOL ,COUMARIN ,LIMONENE ,EUGENOL ,LINALOOL ,GERANIOL ,AMYL CINNAMAL ,HEXYL CINNAMAL

He checked it twice.

Are your eyes bleeding, too? Here's a simpler one:

Cyclomethicone, Dimethiconol, Ethylhexyl Methoxycinnamate (Sunscreen),Tocopheryl Acetate (Vitamin E), Aloe Barbadensis Extract (Aloe Vera)

Recognize those ingredients? They're for John Frieda's Extra - Strength Anti-Frizz Serum. Know the ingredients? Of course, because the common name for them is helpfully included. Would you have been able to tell right away which product was "vegan" based solely on the lists of ingredients posted?

Reader discretion is advised.

The point is, I simply can't tell if any animals were harmed in the making of John Frieda's products just by looking at the label, but I do know that Aloe Vera and Vitamin E are natural and awesome, which has been tricking my brain into accepting the risk of using a product that apparently also contains toxic chemicals that are in the amphetamine family with a side-order of silicon bases that can possibly cause mood swings (I really hope those go away soon).

I can barely pronounce IODOPROPYNYL BUTYLCARBAMATE, and labels in all caps automatically frighten me. But apparently my fears were unwarranted; it's only plant fat. Ion could actually put "THIS IS FROM A GODDAMN TREE" on its products. The FDA means well, but perhaps this is a sign that some more meaningful reevaluation needs to occur in order to get "vegan" to catch on as more than yet another tricksy label.

.

The new and unintentionally hilarious face of reevaluation.

Happy Halloween, everyone!